You've got to admit it's getting better~

Hey guys, it's been awhile.

The kids and I are all settled in our apartment now and I just stopped by to tell you how great it is. For once in my life I have a home where I feel safe and free to be myself. I don't have to worry about anyone criticizing me or trying to control me. All my life I've had people looking over my shoulder and pointing out all the things I've done wrong. It took me a couple months to adjust to living away from all that and I still have night mares about my parents sometimes, but that's all they are, nightmares. When I wake up they're gone. It's a strange to think those horrible feelings used to be my reality.

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Things that have happened:

- around May-ish my siblings started using the right name and pronouns for me
- in June I got a job
- in July I heard back from the apartment I've been waiting for. I'm moving later this month.
- my divorce went through. As of July 28, I'm single again.
- on August the 1st, my name change petition was granted

It's all kept me very busy. I'm still attending college full time and that can be hard to balance with working 30-ish hours a week and raising three kids. Sometimes I don't even feel like I have room to breathe. Work is good though. I'm a contractor for a kid's gaming website, so I get to work at home and set my own schedule. It's leaps and bounds over any of the jobs I've had out here.

I've got my Social Security card in the right name. Going down to the DMV next week. Then I can change it everywhere else. I also have a new doctor. Hopefully he'll be more open to treating me than the previous one.

I cannot wait to get out of my mother's house. It seriously can't happen soon enough.
King Nothing

Hello There

I haven't posted in awhile because not much has changed. There's no point in whining about the same old things, right? I'm still seeing my therapist, but I haven't been able to make any progress medically, or in any other area really. A few things have happened, with mixed impact on my life. I wouldn't call any of them an 'improvement'.

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  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated

Happy Holidays

The holidays have not been happy for me, which is part of the reason I haven't written anything for awhile. I don't want to bring anyone down. I hope that no matter what winter holiday you celebrate (or even if you don't celebrate any) you've been able to have a good time.

There is one bit of good news, the cramping and bleeding that I wrote about in my last entry are gone now. I'm not sure why or how, but I am thankful that I am no longer in incredible amounts of pain. However, my complaints were pretty much ignored by the various medical personnel that I asked for help, and I found that extremely disconcerting. I'm switching plans.

Other than that, things have been depressing. Christmas, it seems, is just another excuse for my family to make me feel as inferior as possible. I don't know how to feel about presents given to me in my old name, or worse yet not being given any presents at all from certain people.

It's been depressing. I'm glad the holidays are almost over.

Stuff... it happened again.

Hey, guys. It's been awhile, huh? The kids started school and I kind of disappeared for awhile. It's been a real challenge trying to keep their schedules together, keep my grades up in college, and deal with everything else life has thrown at me. There have been some good things and some bad things. Rich and Jeweliana are doing well in school, but Dustin was having a hard time paying attention. His teacher suggested that he needed another year to mature and I agreed, so we pulled him out of kindergarten. College hasn't been going so well lately either. I got a C in my last class. That's unacceptable. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a stickler for good grades. I know I can do better because I usually do.

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In general, my health has not been good lately. I've been sick or in pain half of the time for the past few months. I can't say for certain what's causing it. I have gained weight this year and life has been stressful. I'm sure those are contributing factors, but I can't help but wonder if something else is wrong. My immune system has also gotten weaker and some days I just wake up feeling depressed for no apparent reason. I can't even tell if my frequent pain and illnesses are causing my depression, or if my depression is making me ill! I'm having a hard time just taking care of my kids, let alone keeping up with college and going to my appointments with my therapist. But, I'm getting help. Even if it's taking longer than I'd like.
  • Current Mood
    sore sore

Still not dead!

Things I have been doing:

- Started therapy. It's been going great. The therapist has been very respectful/courteous/helpful. Of course, talking about my life has also forced me to focus on reality more than I'd like. It reminds me that the only way I can get an adult that I know IRL to call me by the appropriate name and pronouns is to pay them $50 an hour, which is depressing. But, at least I have someone I can talk to.

- Went to see a friend. I flew out to Chicago, took a bus to where she lives, and we hung out for a few days. The trip was hell due to crowded flights, late buses, and awful motel rooms, but I got there and back in one piece... and without a pat-down! (I chose the scanners.)

- Other than that? Not much. I've been RPing a lot.

The State of the Hector

As you can see in the icon, I have no hair.

Okay, I lied. I've got just enough to spike it. I wear it like this most of the time, but this particular shot doesn't make a good icon.

Not much has happened since the last time I posted. I haven't made much progress on the divorce or transitioning, mostly due to lack of transportation/childcare/money, but I've had some time to think.

The kids are doing fine. I've realized that my identity is still a work in progress, not only with myself, but for them as well. Things have changed since I first brought it up. I've talked to them about it and explained a bit more. What really helped was when my mother quieted down about it. For a long time, the younger two had trouble knowing what to call me because she and Rich would get into arguments over it. Things have mostly calmed down since then. I think everyone's getting a bit more comfortable.

I've also modified my title. From now on, I'm going by "Dad".

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Stuff... it happened.

I never thought the summer would be so exhausting. Or so busy. I got the kids all registered for school next year, did a ton of paper work to keep our aid going, and got us all registered at the YMCA. It's really nice to be able to work out again. I don't think I have since I was in my late teens. I'd like to get into shape. You know, some shape other than round would be nice.

I haven't made any progress in my transition and I'm frustrated about that. I can never seem to get an appointment with my doctor at a time that would be convenient for me (ie. when someone can watch the kids so I don't have to drag them along).

I can't seem to get ahold of the guy who said he'd do my HRT, either. I'm stressed about it and I don't even know where to start... and the fact that I have no childcare and have to rely on public transportation isn't helping. I can't just drive over to talk to these people in person.

Everything else is okay though. I'm still getting A's in college, the kids are doing fine, and my mother's been less bitchy lately. I don't think her opinion of me has changed at all, but at least she no longer feels the need to rub it in my face.